Autistics vs Parents of kids with autism

You probably read that title and had to look twice. "Autistics vs parents of kids with autism" what the heck?!?!?! Aren't we all on the same team here?

Well, yes, technically we are. But sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

I've read on some autistic friend's pages that the parents don't understand the kids.  True, maybe I don't, but because you're autistic, you understand my kid whom I've known all their life and you've never met, better than me?  No, you don't.

I've read that you are not a real ally of autistics if you support Autism Speaks.  And okay, this one I kind of get, because Autism Speaks is NOT one of my favorite organizations. But on paper,  Autism Speaks is a charitable organization that is aiding in autism research.  Parents are trying to help, supporting this cause is what these parents think is the right thing.  (Sidebar:  Look into ASAN if you want to support autism, a much better organization.)

And let's touch base on the ever popular "person-first" argument.  Have you ever noticed that most autistic people refer to themselves as autistics and not people with autism.  I'm going to clear this one up right now.  It's not that anyone is trying to take the person out of autism, it's about grammar.  Yes, "autistic" is grammatically correct where "person with autism" is not.  Look up the rule about passive voice.  That's all that one is.

Oh and there's my favorite one "Do this or be that!"  Sounds a lot like Jenny McCarthy's "Be a Warrior Mom, or be an attention seeking victim" doesn't it?  (In advance, apologies for comparing ANYONE to Ms. Playmate.)  I hear "Let us be ourselves, or you're oppressing us!"

Now, I'm coming down pretty hard on autistic adults.  Some of you may agree with what I'm saying, and some of you may not.  Some of you may have seen the same things I have and it rubbed you the wrong way, some of you may have not.  I'm not trying to be mean to autistic adults.  My point here is, this issue isn't just black and white.

We all want the same thing in the end, we want success for our kids, acceptance and fair treatment for everyone, and a chance at a sliver of normalcy. Normal being a very subjective term.

Autistic adults make it clear that they want the freedom to be themselves.  Don't we want that for our kids to, but we want the to be the best them that they can be.  So where is the conflict here?

The conflict is that in some autistic adults, we have taught them bad habits.  "You see it my way, or you're wrong."  Do you see that in some of the statements I've read about autistic adults?  Yes, you do, I know you do because I specifically chose statements that would show that.  But WAIT!  Re-read what I wrote.  It's in MY statements as well.  Which mean, guess what?  I have that exact same bad behavior myself. So do you. Don't deny it.  Even the least judgmental  most flexible person has this issue occasionally.  It's HUMAN NATURE.

Where am I going with this?  It's that acceptance is a two way street.  We have to accept the autistic people in our lives, kid or adult, as a human being.  That means they have bad habits and know-it-all attitudes, just like every other person, they are wrong sometimes, or they are right about what it was like for them, but not for everyone.  Every autistic adult cannot speak for the mass population of autistic children.

If you've met one autistic person, then you've met one autistic person.

Autistic adults:  I am not stopping OT & ST, I am not going to stop pushing my child to be the best that he can be, and I will most certainly NOT allow my son to bang his head on the cement wall no matter how good it might feel for him to do so.  I also won't pretend a meltdown didn't happen.  I want to give my son coping skills so they don't happen as often.  Ignoring the problem helps with nothing.

But what I can promise you is that I realize that you've walked this path yourself, I will try to understand you and consider your advice.  What I ask of you, is that you understand that my kid is my kid and may not respond to things you did.  That you and I may see things very differently, but in the end, we all want the same thing. We're fighting the same battle.  And in some ways, we're making the same mistakes.  Black and white thinking does nothing positive for anyone.

And you know what, this applies to other parents of typical, autistic and other special needs kids.  Just stop the inward bickering.