You're invited...

There's a pity party in Goober Central today, folks, and you're all invited.

It's normal for parents with special needs kids, hell, with kids in general, to have a brief moment of "woe is me" every now and then.  I'm not special.  I'm not horrible for thinking life would be so much easier without the autism.  I'm not bad for absolutely hating the situation we are in, autism and other aspects included.

Autism sucks.

These are the things that bother me the most:

1.) He does not always respond to verbal commands. This is not our fault.  Part of it is the autism.  He cannot tell from our tone that we are being firm and decisive.  He may not even really understand what we are saying, so we step in and show him.  We say "No! Get down!" and put him on the floor.  This serves two purposes, it gets him off whatever we don't want him climbing on, and we're hoping it teaches him that no, get down, means to get off whatever he's on.  We've been seeing progress with this.  So, why do I feel bad because we can't say "No" and get instant results?  I shouldn't.  We're working with him the way that he seems to respond to.  And yet, I still feel like I failed to each this to him.

2.) He does not communicate to us (in a way we can understand) and we are unsure how much of what we say he understands.  I've been reading to him, telling him stories, talking him through everything since the day he was born.  Everyone has worked on teaching him new words.  And he has words, he really does, but he doesn't use them meaningfully.  Meaning, he parrots them, he says them back, but they don't MEAN anything to him.  He said "Please" like 20 times yesterday.  Not once was he asking for something.  He said "No" more than that, not once was he responding to something.

3.) The tantrums suck and I want to give in every time.  I hate to hear my little boy cry, and I want to give him everything he wants.  But I know that some of these things are not what is best for him, so I don't give in, and he cries.  I know tantrums are normal, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

4.) The meltdowns.  Anyone who has an autistic child understand this.  Meltdowns are like supercharged tantrum that last sometimes up to a couple of hours and there is very little you can do to diffuse the situation once it's started.  Yeah, that makes me feel wonderful.

5.) He's not bottle broke, and while were doing it anyway, I'm not even sure he's really ready for it.  He's 27 months. He should have been broke 15 months ago according to WIC and doctors I feel like we are constantly being judged about the bottle thing.  It's a security for him, but it's something we have to take away.

6.)  Potty training?  Yeah, not in the forseeable future.  How do you potty train a non-verbal 2 year old boy who probably doesn't understand half of what you're saying to him?  I mean, how does he let us know he needs to go?  You get answers for me, and I will be a very happy woman.  Because I am at a complete loss and here is another skill I have no idea how to teach him.

7.)  Teethbrushing, hair brushing, and nose cleaning sounds like we are torturing him.  I don't like people to watch us do it either.  We have to pin him, it takes both of us, and he's still screaming and fighting the whole time.  Nothing we have done has made it easier.  I feel guilty and horrible about the whole thing. And if you think this is bad, try getting him a hair cut.

8.) He won't leave his socks on so his feet are always cold.  This is a battle we've just stopped fighting.  We've tried socks, socks inside out, shoes over socks, slippers.  Nothing works.  Feet and head = no touch zones.

9.) Wetting himself/the bed.  He wears a diaper, this shouldn't be an issue.  Yes, we change him regularly.  He doesn't tell us he's wet, but we have a routine that works.  But he'll pull his pee-pee out of the leg of his diaper.  And last night when we were getting ready for bed we unzipped the sleeper he wore that day (our sometimes solution to the no socks thing when it's just too cold for that to be a viable option) and his diaper was off in the bottom of his sleeper leg.  Completely off, with the sleeper still zipped up.  How does he do that?

Those are the big 9.  And you know what I've realized while typing this?  Well, one, wait to blog til he has nap, because he's been getting into everything. And two, while it bothers me, I'm not a bad parent.  I love my son and am doing the best I can to work through these issues and the ones not mentioned.  I play with him, take care of him, show him love.  I'm teaching him and doing the best I can.

And you, reader, I know you probably have a different list of big button issues for you.  Things that make you feel like a horrible parent.  But you aren't.  You aren't a bad parent.  Not knowing how to deal with things is normal.  Every kid is different, so even if this isn't your first child, you are learning new things that work or don't with this child.  And if you're like me, and have a child with special needs, this adds a whole new level of confusion to the mix. You are not a bad parent.  Make that your mantra "I'm not a bad parent, I'm just human, learning as I go, doing the best that I can.  I'm not a bad parent."

Don't just say it, believe it.  I'm not a bad parent.